9. In Memoriam

​A year ago today, my family and I suffered the loss of my beloved aunt. She was diagnosed with Leukemia seven months (September 2015) after my mother finished her radiation therapy. In other posts, I will share this story as well, but for now I would like to share a letter I’ve written to her.

My beloved aunt:

It feels so surreal that today marks a year since you passed away. This empty void in my heart and soul remains a fresh open wound. It feels like yesterday when I got that dreaded phone call during the early morning hours. My memories of the events are vivid as if I were stuck in that moment of time.

I wish I could turn the hands of time and make things go away or at least wake up from this nightmare, but unfortunately it’s a reality that costs me so much to cope with. You were my everything; a second mother to me. Whenever mom couldn’t stay with us, you were the one who took care of my sister and I. Our summers were filled with trips to the beaches, barbecues in the parks, gatherings on the front stoop of the buildings…etc. Now all of that is gone and has been converted into memories that I treasure and wish could be my realities again. Summer feels so empty without you.

The holidays were a time of family gatherings in your house and this year it felt so empty. You were the life of our gatherings and now that void is so much greater when I find myself searching for you throughout a room full of people. Graduation days were our greatest moments of happiness and this year when I finally graduated from my Master’s program all I could do was cry because I couldn’t see you in the audience. You were enthusiastic about graduation and looking forward to being there, but cancer stripped you away from life. All I could do during graduation was wear, in your honor, a set of jewelry you had given to me as a Christmas gift and wish that you were there to see me walk down the aisle.

Everything is so empty without you. I try to stay optimistic, but losing you has been the hardest thing for me to cope with. I wasn’t ready for this. I wanted you to see me graduate, get married and have my kids. I wanted you to take care of my future kids the way you used to care for me when I was growing up. I wanted to share my milestones and downfalls with you, see your smile or your presence at a distance greeting me. Now it’s all just a large empty space.

Everywhere I look all I see is an empty space where you should be standing. I wasn’t ready for this. I know that you are looking over me from heaven, but you never taught me how to live without you. Take me under your wing and guide me because I just don’t know how to go on through life with this void inside me.

Love always,

Sujie