It was very difficult to witness all the struggles mom had endured since she began the cancer treatment. Mom has always been a woman of strength and independence; someone resourceful and capable of resolving things on her own. During the entire process of diagnosis and treatment mom had struggles accepting the idea that she had to rely on doctors and myself to help her get through things one at a time. For me, it was particularly difficult to convey strength in front of her while seeing her physical and emotional pain. I would have done anything to prevent my mother from having gone through the treatment process, but it was out of my control – and THAT was very hard to deal with. All I could do was simply be there for mom and make the most of my efforts.
Now I know that I did everything I could, but in that moment it was very hard to cope with the fact that I couldn’t control the situation. There were many nights where I’d get home to my apartment and just cry because that was all I knew I could do to get things off my chest; cry and pray. Faith has always been a large part of my upbringing, but within the last two years it has become even stronger because praying and talking to God was the only resource I had to let out my emotions.
My best friends and I had always kept in touch since I had moved away from New York, but I felt like I needed them most when I was goingt through the care giving with mom. Even though I’d speak to my friends on a regular basis, it was very hard for me to not be able to meet up with them immediately. I was longing for the accessibility of jumping on the train andbeing able to meet up within twenty minutes because I didn’t have anyone of confidence around me whom I felt comfortable releasing my emotions with. I was beginning to feel emotionally stressed, so my immediate refuge was prayer. I would turn to God asking for strength and enlightenment to understand everything that was going on because I felt that it was unfair for mom to endure so much pain during treatment. I felt so impotent at times when I couldn’t prevent things from happening or control the situation, so I had to learn how to let things go and focus on the things that I could change.
It wasn’t easy learning to let go of things I couldn’t control because no one likes to see their loved ones suffer, but through prayer I learned to let God steer the way and focused my energy on caregiving for my mother. Although my body was physically tired, I made the efforts and arrangements to care for mom’s needs the best way I could. I visited often after work, or called if I couldn’t go see her, spent every weekend with mom and helped her cook, clean, did her grocery shopping…etc. Essentially, I was pretty much maintaining two households all while providing care for mom. Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to do all of it on my own for so long, but I did so without hesitation because at the end of the day my focus was mom’s well being.
Today, I realize that all of my efforts were well worth the sacrifices because, despite the physical exhaustion I felt, my relationship with mom has gotten so much stronger due to the experiences we’ve confronted together.
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